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Thursday, August 5, 2010

Change is bad.....

Recently, I made a change in part of my life, a decision if you will. It was brought about by what was best for me at the present time. I now find myself wondering, questioning and second guessing myself as I try and figure if the change I made was nothing more that a huge, flaming mistake.
Normally I am a fairly happy go lucky person. I enjoy life, my family and friends, and my chosen profession. Lately I have found myself sad, unhappy, and to the point I am finding myself reverting to old habits that soothe me when I am stressed. Normally proud of my natural long nails, I have been biting my fingernails…’just trimming a hang nail’ I say, when in reality, it is the actuality of destroying them down to the quick.
I had found a hobby that calmed me- sewing, and in doing so had realized that I had stopped biting the inside of my mouth. Now, I find that I am biting the inside of my cheeks, jaws and lips to the point of drawing blood. I have torn skin from the sole s of my feet until it causes pain with every step I take.
I don’t sleep. I try, but I lay down, and the sleep that used to overtake me is now just a fleeting moment. The clock moves forward a minute at a time until it is time to do it all over again. The only sleep that does come is imitation- Ambien induced unconsciousness.
I can’t remember being so unhappy or frustrated or out of sync. But the changes I have made are at this time impossible to repair, and until I can find a different option, I am stuck in this bottomless pit of despair and hopelessness.

2 comments:

The Bipolar Diva said...

I think you need to email me and tell me what the heck is going on.

AirmanMom said...

My heart hurts as I read your words. I'm brand new to your blog, therefore I feel all I can do is lift you up in prayer...praying you find the strength you need for your battle (whatever it may be).
As I say to all soldiers who I send letters to... Stay strong and pray hard.
~AM