Thursday, March 10, 2011

Strong shoulders

So this year started out with a bang- not really the bang I wanted to hear- but a bang non the less. It hasn’t been a stellar 3 months by any imagination.
In the past few weeks, I have been dealing with some medical symptoms that have been present, aggravating in a more precise term. Several trips to my doc have sent me to a specialist, and we started down the road to determine what these irritating factors were caused by.
Simple tests led to more invasive studies, and this morning I go for an MRI. As an ER nurse, I don’t see the MRI scanner often, however as the mom of a daughter with MS- I am all to familiar with magnetic resonance imaging.
Yesterday afternoon, the doctor’s office called to confirm my scan- both with and without the lovely iv contrast. While speaking with the office nurse, she told me the doc wanted to speak with me. I know him from working in the ER- so it wasn’t really a big thing. He wanted to make sure I was going to my scan, and talked about what we thought the problem was. He then went on to explain some test results he had received. He told me he was expanding the potential diagnoses to include some things that frankly, scared the shit out of me.
For about thirty minutes, I sobbed in the darkness of the living room. I was frozen, numb- finally I went upstairs and sat on the bed where Mark was sleeping. I woke him up and told him what the doctor had explained to me- and became a water works again. In his ever level headed voice he reminded me of several things- The doctor had said this was a potential diagnosis- and that my test was ‘strongly indicative of’, but not confirmed. He reminded me we are never guaranteed tomorrow, so we must live in the present and grab it for all it is worth. He held me tightly and told me we would deal with it, one day at a time, and not deal in what ifs, but in what was reality. In the midst of this bombshell, I had to go to work. I did reach out to a few friends on my endless ride to my part time job, and they all rallied around me.
Obviously when I arrived at work, I looked rough, red rimmed, swollen eyes. My usual smile and happy demeanor was replaced with a quietness that is out of character for me. My friends noticed the huge change and also rallied to me. I confided in a few friends at work, and they too have lent their overwhelming support, prayers and shoulders.
I am so fortunate to have friends in my life that care about me, as well as family who supports me. The next installment of my journey begins at 9 AM, and will determine the next road I will travel .
I am so glad to know I don’t have to travel it alone.